If you think divorce is the only option…read on!
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but its there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that its not normally the disease that results in a persons fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself - it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it - and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end - it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
4. Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage. Instead of focusing on the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat (to quote just two clichés) why not focus on your partner’s great sense of humour or their willingness to always switch off the lights or any of a hundred other endearing qualities? It’s amazing how trivial the irritations become when you remove them from the centre of your focus.
Try this simple exercise. Take a very small coin and hold it arms length between your finger and thumb. Does it block out much of the view behind it? No, obviously it doesn’t. Now bring the coin up closer and closer to your eye and close the other eye. What happens? It blocks your view almost completely, doesn’t it? It’s only a small coin but it can completely obliterate your view if you let it. Often the same thing happens in marriage. You can forget all the tremendous blessings you have together and focus on the one tiny fault until it takes over and dominates your thinking. Don’t allow it to do so. Now, what you’ve just read might sound like a contradiction to point 1 but its not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting here that you bury your head in the sand regarding pain in your marriage but what I am saying is to make sure that the thing you think is causing you pain is actually as bad as you are making out. Have you just become so used to whining about something that it has come to dominate your thinking unnecessarily? Don’t let a small pain obliterate your view of a great marriage.
5. Share the Pain
Can I just remind you of something? You are married. It’s okay to share the hard things with your spouse. Remember the vows that you took? “For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Perhaps you’ve always felt that you had to be strong and support your spouse and so when you feel pain what do you do? Pretend it’s not sore? Tell him/her that you can cope? Why don’t you just admit that you’re finding something tough and ask for their support? It might be the very thing that draws you together. Share , share, share.
As I draw to the end of this chapter I want to leave you with an amusing story.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. “That poor old couple.” As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything and, anyway, their appetites were not what they used to be.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked one last time if he could buy them one more meal.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, ………… “The teeth!”
Aaaagghhh! Yes I know it’s disgusting, but its probably not a true story and anyway it does illustrate the principle of sharing in a way that you will not forget. Will you?
Back to pain. As I said in the opening sentence, nobody enjoys pain. However, if you can just acknowledge what it is trying to tell you, but not allow it to knock you off track, then your marriage will survive and grow.
If you would like to read more of my ebook then please go immediately to my website www.themarriagesite.com
William Milton is a married man (26 years) who lives near London, England with his wife and two children and his Jack Russell Terrier called Swizzle. He enjoys reading, running and golf.
Poetry as Important Part of the Wedding
Poems, for such a long time, have been used to express one’s feelings and emotions and to record events and thoughts in an artistic form. Reading poems during a wedding can enhance the beauty of the event.
The wedding poem may be composed and be read by a member of the family as a gift to the groom and bride. However, not many have good skills in writing that poem writing for weddings may also be entrusted to professional wedding writers.
Even if the task of writing the wedding poem has been delegated to an experienced wedding poem writer, the groom and the bride or a member of the family should choose the wedding poem writer carefully and coordinate with the writer as often as possible.
Choosing the wedding poetry writer should take place after the sites for the wedding and reception have been confirmed. This is necessary because some of the sites details may be included in the poem that this should be supplied to the wedding poetry writer as soon as possible.
Also, consider the site for the wedding rites. Some religious institutions do not allow alterations with the wedding rites such as including reading poetry during the ceremony. Therefore, in this case, wedding poetry reading should be done during the reception.
The wedding poetry should represent the groom and the bride and should go well with the theme of the wedding. The wedding poem may also be printed in the program and may also be given as a keepsake. Thus, a good wedding poem is very important. For that reason, brainstorming can help a lot when choosing the wedding poetry writer or vendor.
Before deciding on who will be the wedding poetry vendor and writer, consider what type of poem will you need. For a traditional and formal wedding, an elegantly written poem is suggested. If the wedding will be having an informal ceremony, a poem with a touch of humor will work well.
Do not choose a lengthy poem if the ceremony will be longer than two hours. Decide if music will be played while reading the poem.
If you have decided what you will need, you have to stat looking for a wedding poem vendor. The easiest way to look for reliable information is by asking for suggestions from family and friends, the manager of the reception site, the person who will officiate the marriage, or from your wedding coordinator. You can also search online for poetry vendors.
If possible, ask for a rough draft of what the wedding poem will be so you can decide if this is the one that will be appropriate for the wedding. It is preferable to allow one year for composing the poem. This is to make sure that there is enough time to edit the poem to suit your requirements.
Also, check if the wedding poet can work within your given budget. Wedding poems can cost at least $100. Ask for sample works and suggestions to enhance your wedding poem.
When providing information about the wedding to the wedding poetry vendor, make sure that you have included the following details: the interests of the couple, the type of ceremony, the location of the wedding and the reception, the number of guests and their backgrounds, the theme of the wedding ceremony, who will be the poem reader and whatever unique detail that you can include to make the poem unique.
If you have chosen a good wedding poetry writer and reader, you can make sure that your wedding’s tone and ambience is enhanced to make it more memorable to everyone who will be present.
Getting ready for the big day?
Mark Wilkins writes articles for
http://www.fantasticwedding.info.
Making Your Special Day Special
Marital Aids in the UK
A new sex toy site asked over one hundred and twenty UK girls in August what their favourite adult sex toy was along with other personal questions. It was discovered that the most favourite adult sex toy for UK girls was the vibrator, and they just loved it! Girls were so excited by the idea of a massive vibrator that many of them would use it straight after coming home from work. The best kinds of vibrator were the Jessica bunny vibrators as they help to stimulate the clitoris as well as inserting into the flower. The other discovery the new sex toy retailer found out was that the sex toy users just loved using their adult sex toy on a daily basis by themselves. If the UK shoppers were in a good relationship they would use it with their loving partners. The 2nd most popular adult sex toy was the exciting dildo. Dildo dongs are similar to vibrators except they do not have batteries or vibrate. Dildo dongs come in all shapes and sizes from four inches to 12 inches. They can come with sucker cups to have a super experience hands free and can easily attach to a bath or toilet set. Dildo dongs have been a firm favourite since the 70’s and looks like they will be around for a long time. If you really like sexy toysyou should try it with your favourite G Spot Vibrators A new sex toy site found the best way to pleasure a women is to purchase them both a vibrator and a dildo.
How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 3
Remember the frenzy of the paparazzi when they caught Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, having her toe sucked at a beach? What was the big deal? Was it that she was so well-known? Or was it that this piece of fore play was being conducted in a more or less public place? Or was it the toe itself that did it?
When it comes to love-making, we thought we’d seen it all.
We know people do it in showers and baths, on board tables or under them, horizontally or slightly perpendicular, and vertically flat against a brick wall or against something anchored to the ground. But in all this, the toe just didn’t figure.
Sure, we do seem to remember that guy who toasted a beauty of his time by drinking out of her slipper. But we didn’t really believe that it happened. Or if it did, we could only assume that the gallant had already had a few drinks before he came up with the idea.
But as queasy as we get thinking about using a slipper as a glass, the imagination boggles at the thought of a toe as a snack. After all, when we look at our shoes in the dark recesses of our wardrobe we know where those toes have been, and are not entirely reassured that they’re worth any attention at all, let alone the intimacy of a suck or two.
Yes, we have heard that toes, like other body appendages, are sensitive and can be as arousing as the more recognized erogenous zones. But we also know our feet. So long as we remember that the soles are like sandpaper, the nails as hard as a rhinoceros horn, and about as sweet smelling as a three or four day old fish, love-making and toes will never be an equation in our books.
We’ll nibble the ears, kiss the fingers, make a few detours down the length of the body, stopping well beyond the danger zone of the toes.
It has been said that the man who first ate an oyster must have been the bravest man on earth. The same must be said of the man or woman who first decided to try out the toes.
So if you consider yourself a hot lover, and have never tried out your partner’s toes, you’ve still a long way to go.
Vlady Peters, who is a Civil Marriage Celebrant, is an author of three books, “The Complete Book of Australian Weddings”, “The small Organisation Handbook”, and an ebook, “Honeymoon! A Sizzle or a Fizzle?’ which you can see on her website http://www.vlady-celebrant.com
How Much Are You Dependent On Your Marriage?
Marriage is the best form of companionship designed by mankind. After marriage a person is assured of at least one friend for life. Marriage gives some assurance that one will have a companion through thick and thin till the end. We cannot call our other friendships and relations so dependable. That is why marriage is important. All this was certainly true, few decades ago. Is it so even now? How far are you dependent on your marriage to derive satisfaction and peace in life?
Now let us examine some personalities. For my first example I will take a man/woman who is career oriented. For whom nothing matters other than the career and achievements in the work place. What kind of married life will such a person have? One can assume that such a person will not be very dependent upon married relationship. Such a person will not undergo an unbearable shock if marriage breaks.
Take another example of a person who has a large group of friends and socially networks very well. Attends all the functions, parties and celebrations thrown by friends. If someone is a typical social animal that thrives in a group of friends and invents reasons for gatherings, will he/she depend on the married life for happiness? Such people are not highly dependent on their married life for happiness. Their attitude is different.
On the other hand, let us take an example of a person who is introvert and likes to remain with and shares more time with family. Such a person is a devoted family person and may get devastated if separated or after the death of spouse.
All of us derive different pleasures with different relationships. Our priorities vary. Our value system varies. Because of these differences in our personalities, marriage may or may not play a very important role in every ones life.
CDMohatta writes about the issues that affect our living. The content is mainly written to create ecards, Screensavers and wallpapers. With reference to the above article, please view some screensavers and wallpapers by clicking here- Life In Love Screensaver - Beautiful Rhythm, Love ecards and Missing you ecards